After downing bowls of spaghetti and big chunks of watermelon tonight, the kids and I walked to the park. Two small girls and a young woman whose tiny body and short-shorts suggested “babysitter” were already playing on the equipment. Much to my horror, the wee blondes started to call the taller one “Mommy,” and I suddenly felt incredibly old. Old and unattractive. Old and frumpy. Old, old, old.
As I watched Linnea pick tiny clover blossoms in the grass, Linus toddled back and forth on brave legs and flashed me his gap-toothed smile. I thought about what a different experience it would have been to have had kids eight or ten years earlier than I did. Would I have been more fun? More energetic? Surely, I would have been more blonde and fashionable—not to mention svelte.
The young mother and her girls walked by us as they left the park, calling out a goodbye. In the time that I’d been daydreaming in the grass, a family of presumably Middle Eastern descent had arrived. I watched the young, heavyset mother as she placed her baby girl in a swing. Our eyes met, and we shared a smile. Maybe she was happy draped head to toe in deep red fabric—and at the very least, she was used to it—but something about the way she carried herself made me sad.
Suddenly, my purple t-shirt seemed okay. I felt wonderfully comfortable in the warm summer solstice air. As I pushed our stroller home, I marveled at life’s consistent supply of moments like this—moments in which the characters seem cast just for me, the timing meant to be. And I knew that I was in the right place at the right time, and that even when it doesn’t feel like it, we usually are.
*****
I Want to Know
- What makes you feel old?
- Do you ever have seemingly serendipitous moments like this?
Find me on twitter @emmasota, look up emmasota on Facebook, and visit me at my other blog, Divorced Before 30.
I feel old being around some of the young soldiers in my unit. They’re still juniors in high school. I have a stepson six years younger than them. They don’t remember a time when cell phones weren’t prevalent. The internet has been used their whole lives. When I reminisce about Basic Training the year I refer to is the year, one of them said, they lost the last of their front eight baby teeth. One of their moms is only 4 years older than me.
I’m only 31! My mental age is usually 21 or 22, the age I went through Basic. I feel old when Gav says “Wow, that existed when you were my age?”. I feel old because the fluorescent green Girbaud shirt that was Laur’s then mine from the early ’90s is back in style and Gav can wear it and be cool. I feel old because all my friends are pregnant with either their second or third (and final!) child and I haven’t had one of my own yet.
I feel too young, at times, to have lived as much as I have. I can’t believe anyone gave me a mortgage. I can’t believe that I’m old enough to have been in the Army for ten years. I can’t believe that time moves. (I was going to say quick and slow, but time moving is pretty impressive)
I think the difference between knowing what life was like before the internet or not will be really interesting. Already, my kids can do so much with technology. I remember going to my dad’s office at night to be able to type a school paper on a real-life computer.
Time moving is pretty impressive, and I find myself feeling quite philosophical about it much of the time.
Dear Emma -
I can relate to your post of feeling older, but I believe timing is meant to be for all of us, and we’re always in the right place at the right time – we just don’t always know that at the time.
Sounds like you’re enjoying the carefree moments of summer with your precious children – spaghetti and watermelon sound like a great combo!
We’re having banana splits at work today – after having root beer floats last Friday! After all, it is summer!
Teri
“Scatter kindness”
Now I’m going to be thinking about banana splits and root beer floats all afternoon.
I AM enjoying the summer w/ the kiddos! I am going to take some random days off from work just to do some more parks and outings.
I love this story, because it shows how sometimes it truly is that moment of clarity you need to pull yourself out of the comparison trap. I find myself doing this too sometimes (MUCH less than I used to, thankfully!) and then, that moment happens and I realize what I was doing. So glad you realized it and you are having a great summer! XO
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“The comparison trap” is a great way to put it.
The summer is flying by far too quickly!
I empathize with the feelings that you were having, it’s so easy to fall into that trap and have really been doing great lately about not comparing-it’s the true meaning of samsara. You’re so obviously in the right place in your life, I love it.
xo Mary Jo
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Isn’t that the truth! I was just reading a post over at zenhabits about how being happy with ourselves is the most important habit we can aquire. It’s funny how some people make you feel like a rockstar and others make you feel like you should be better in some way.
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Have a great 4th of July!