I can’t remember if it was before our after our recent trip to Colorado, but one night, I said to Josh, “I’m pretty sure I’m actually losing my mind, like I’m going to wind up in a mental hospital.” After years of coaching him to repeat “everything will be okay” when I’m convinced that everything will not be okay, he seems to have embraced the strategy.
“No,” he scoffed as we sat in bed reading. “You’re not losing your mind.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“You’re fine,” he said.
And you know? I am fine—I have a wonderful family, a house, a job, and a car that only makes that explosive noise every fifth or sixth time it starts. I am loved and I love. I am in terrific health and am back to my pre-baby weight, though my grandmother recently asked if I’m “PG” again. “No,” I sighed. “I’m just not the same shape I used to be.”
Josh is right. Everything is fine. And yet I’m a little off. I keep thinking of one of my favorite Anne Lamott quotes: “My mind is a bad neighborhood I try not to go into alone.” I seem to be lurking on dangerous street corners a lot lately, metaphorically speaking.
I thought that our trip would shake things up a bit—provide a nice change of scenery—but I still feel unsettled. Maybe this is a predictable response to the arrival of my 35th birthday last week. Am I making the most of this precious life? Being the mom and wife I want to be? Chasing the right dreams? Living in the right zip code?
While I wait for clarity, I’m steering toward the the safer neighborhood—the one where my baby takes his first steps, my preschooler delights in her first plane ride, and my husband and I pull off the Great Business, Babies, and Beer Vacation of 2012. It’s where I weep for joy when I see an old friend, where my hard work pays off, and where I spend Mother’s Day eating fried fish in a park with my family.
I’ve got it good (and I know it), but I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I have more questions than answers right now. But for me, that struggle—which sometimes borders on “maybe I’m losing my mind”—is simply part of life. Who knows where my answers will come from (or when), but you can be sure that I’ll be ready.
*****
I Want to Know
- How do you keep yourself out of the bad neighborhood?
Find me on twitter @emmasota, look up emmasota on Facebook, and visit me at my other blog, Divorced Before 30.
Maybe this is a predictable response to the arrival of my 35th birthday last week
Yep thats probably a BIG part of it.. another Big part? you HAVE CHILDREN -lol! seriously you are PERFECTLY normal
— no padded room needed… (ok some of Those nights” might make you want one,but not need one)
thank you for the writing you do. thank you for letting the rest of us know we are not alone in the ups, downs, concerns, comfusions, the exaltations of everyday life.
while i have not had the horror of facing my inner demons in divorce – i (& every one else) do have those demons just with different faces realizing others do to and can Survive it is a wonderous thing indeed.
so much of modern life is isolating – community is harder & harder to be a part of. thank you for including your readers in your community.
take care and your husband is right
“you’re fine”
rj
What a sweet and thoughtful response! THANK YOU! You’re right that so much of modern life is isolating. I had that same conversation with two college girlfriends this weekend. I think that’s partially why I’ve been questioning the zip code in which I live. I’m sure I could create more of a sense of community here for myself, but the small-town girl in me is sort of yearning for something different. I am lucky to have this online community. Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I feel like I shouldn’t write because I don’t want to depress everyone, but it definitely helps to share it (and especially when people respond!).
P.S. While I was typing this, the baby ate a blue marker, just in time for his doctor appt this morning.
You’re now about the age I was when we took the big chance. We did it and moved out to Northfield, which changed all our lives. You’ve taken some big chances already and what could be better?
Peteisms:
It’s supposed to be hard, otherwise everyone would do it…
If you don’t know where you’re going…
If you’re going to to go down, go down in flames…
Run hard, turn left…
Ellipsis…
Ah, you know I love a few good Peteisms to start the day! All good ones. And just to keep things balanced, I caught myself saying, “Linus! HONESTLY!”
When I’m “hanging with my demons in the bad neighborhood,” two pieces of scripture (sometime said over and over and over) gets me out of there:
Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for your good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
Philippians 1:6
I am confident of this: that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ.
These tell me that, even though I have a role to play in keeping me sane, I don’t have to be the one in control. A necessary reminder for me.
Thanks, Lisa! Your comments just triggered a memory of a visualization tactic that might be helpful for me right now.
I don’t want to be the one in control, but I often forget that and take it upon myself to try to figure things out.
Mary & I have those conversations too, where we are trying to reassure the other that we are “fine.” But what really helps keep me out of the bad neighborhood by myself is Mary’s reminder to live in gratitude & Paul’s words, “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer & supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which is beyond our comprehension, will guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus.”
Also, my boss often tells me, “Do not fret; it leads only to evil.”
Anyway, I recognize the tension of wondering if I’m ok or not! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Thanks, Seth! That reminds me of an old Sunday School son about “the peace that passes understanding.” Now I will have that in the back of my mind.
Emma, your writing so good, it always makes me pause and think. I’ve been going through a tough private time lately, missing my dad who passed away 2 years ago–which can take me to some pretty rough neighborhoods. In the end, I always have a little conversation with him, with God and look at the bigger picture, (sometimes that can put me in a tailspin too) but it always feels like it’s going to be okay in the end. I know that Josh is right, even if you don’t always feel okay.
xo Mary Jo
mary jo recently posted..paradise found: the shimmer house
Thank you, Mary Jo! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling lately, too. It’s really cool that you feel like you can have a conversation with your dad. Every night, I tell my kids, “I will always be with you,” and it’s true.
I guess it’s good to share this dark stuff sometimes because the response can be so reassuring. We are all constantly moving through ups and downs.
Maybe you are on the cusp of change or a new challenge or direction…so you feel unsettled aka losing your mind. That’s how I tend to feel when I feel a little directionless. Us overachivers like goals and challenges and change, even if we rail against routine changes. That’s my take anyway
jobo recently posted..Perspective.
You are a wise woman, jobo!
All I need is a little fried fish in the park once a year and hopefully the rest will take care of itself. Life’s a garden, dig it.
I love it.
02.05.2005· even with the right inquiries dialogue might not stream quite since freely because you can wish. That’s because you should genuinely hear definitely towards the solutions that you will get.answer question
Wow, Emma, I feel like you and I are at very similar places…hanging out just on the edge of that bad neighborhood Anne Lamott (love her!) mentions. Here’s hoping that we can both feel a little more comfortable there – or maybe just find a helpful map.
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..Cliff Hangers
I hope so, too, Kristen! This week has already been better than last, but I have some big-picture decisions swirling around in my brain. Thanks for your comment!