I’ve had my eye on something called “New Mama Bottom Spray” for a few weeks now, and I finally splurged on it this morning at Whole Foods Market. Made by Earth Mama Angel Baby, the product claims to provide cooling relief for postpartum vaginal soreness and swelling, episiotomies, and hemorrhoids, because, as the company says on its site, “when your bottom is sore it’s hard to feel tops.” Amen to that.
This post could already be filed under “too much information,” but let’s just say that I’ve experienced more than my fair share of discomfort down there during this pregnancy, and the common pregnancy culprits—hemorrhoids—are not to blame. As I left the grocery store this morning, I planned to rush home to see just how cooling this all-natural mist might be. I got Linnea into her car seat, popped on my sunglasses, and checked the messages on my phone before pulling out of the parking lot.
Imagine my surprise to see an e-mail entitled “Re: Your pu$$y will be okay!”—a perverted yet eerily appropriate horoscope of sorts. The kicker was that it was from my brother, and I looked around the car in search of a hidden camera. How did he know? Had someone spotted me in the store with the precious bottle of $15 bottom spray?
It took a good minute to realize that my brother’s e-mail account had been hacked, but you know what? I sure as hell hope that the dirty-minded spammer is 100% correct. Happily, I can wholeheartedly recommend the Earth Mama product to other pre- or postnatal women for nether-region relief. And dear readers, if this post has made you squirm, I apologize. Just add “Don’t need bottom spray” to your list of things to be thankful for today.
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I Want to Know
Has your e-mail or Facebook account ever been hacked? Did anything embarrassing like this happen?
Have I totally lost my mind to blog about this? (rhetorical question)
Ha!! that is SO funny!! How ironic. And um, I really hope the spray helps. I’m uncomfortable just thinking about that pain! Hang in there!
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Thanks, Jolene!
Hmmm, for once, I have nothing to say. I guess I have said something, but, you know. I figured Andy’s e-mail was hacked when he sent a diet add link to a group that included a few of the slimmest people I know. Of course it had a little credibility because it included me, just enough to maybe get you to link, but luckily, not enough.
Rest assured that I didn’t open the e-mail. Who knows WHAT they were selling!!
Absolutely fantastic post Emma – LOVE it!
Thanks, Tina! It was too classic not to share.
Let me preface this by saying that I used to work in online advertising, and my husband currently does. That’s about as well targeted a spam campaign as you could possibly get, and if you don’t click on that link, who will?
Seriously though, hilarious!
Online advertisers have always had a thing for me. On a day when I was feeling particularly frustrated with one of our dogs for having an accident in the house, my gmail ad was for a contraption called the “pet loo.”
oh, this was by far one of your funniest posts. can’t believe spam has you pegged.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one who thought it was funny!
i’ve heard of spam before, but this is ridiculous.
i also date a tech-geek of the highest order, so i’ve been coached for the longest time to come up with complex passwords and all that other stuff.
good to know that the stuff actually works, though. and at least the theme of the day was carried through from real life to email spam.
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I’ve never had my own account hacked, though I have experienced debit card fraud. I can’t believe that some people do this for a living! It’s got to be amusing to come up with this stuff.
Hilarious! Don’t you love it when SPAM knows! I love your sense of humor and it’s nice to have a laugh about things that otherwise might make us sigh.
xo Mary Jo
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Yes, there’s always plenty to sigh about, isn’t there?
teehee … too funny … wonder if your brother is blushing now
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Yeah, my brother’s response was “hilarious…but disturbing.” That about sums it up!
Ha ha, that is hilarious!
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Enquiring minds want to know – did it work?
Yep. As well as I could hope for. The real solution: birth this baby.
Ha! Hilarious. Slightly uncomfortable, but a great post in the end.
Yeah, I know I probably made 100% of my male readers uncomfortable, but I couldn’t resist–the timing was too perfect!
Emma, this post is hilarious! I too, saw that spray at Whole Foods and was wondering about it’s effectiveness. Good to see you give it your whole-hearted endorsement! “New Mama Bottom Spray,”….here I come!
Thanks, Kim! Yes, I continue to stand behind the bottom spray.