As my due date approaches, I’m starting to get nervous about all of the change that is about to take place. Josh, Linnea, and I have a nice routine down, and soon, we’ll be back to the craziness of welcoming an infant into our lives. Bring on the spit-up, the middle-of-the-night feedings, and the whole shebang. Of course it will be wonderful, but deep down, I wonder whether we’ll be able to handle it.
A few nights ago, I told Josh that I feel a little guilty about disrupting Linnea’s world in such a big way (I know, I know—this was totally my idea). “I’m worried she’s going to feel bad,” I said with concern. Without missing a beat, my husband said, “Of course she’s going to feel bad. That’s the whole point.” He went on to list all of the annoying things that the baby was going to do to Linnea—take away her toys, etc.
When I’d originally envisioned having a sibling for Linnea, annoyance was certainly not my primary objective, but Josh had a point. I would not be the person I am today if not for my three little brothers. And while we certainly had our disagreements over the years, I adore them. When people tell me that they don’t like or get along with one of their siblings, I can’t relate.
What did I learn by sharing my young life with brothers? Well, I was exposed to all kinds of things that I was afraid of. Bike jumps, snakes, and wrestlers, to name a few. I was changing diapers by the first grade, and I enjoyed being the big sister who could help my little brothers learn to read or tie their shoes.
Maybe I got off a little easy having brothers, because I really don’t remember them trying to steal my toys or tag along with me and my friends. For the life of me, I can’t remember what we fought about, though I know that we did fight. The epic wrestling matches that went down in the back of the family van on road trips come to mind. These battles didn’t seem to stem from any disagreements, however—I think we just liked to brawl. Or maybe it was the challenge of seeing how long our parents could stand it.
Who knows what kind of relationship Linnea will have with her new sibling, but I hope that once the dust settles, she’ll like her role as big sister. I got her a little gift to open at the hospital so she feels special, too, but maybe I didn’t think this one through very well. I wanted to get a fun new movie to watch, so I picked out Monsters, Inc. Let’s just hope she doesn’t think it’s scary. That would kind of defeat the purpose of my attempt to plant happy psychological seeds around the baby’s arrival.
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I Want to Know
Is it inevitable that the big sister will feel a little bad?
Do you have any tips on introducing a toddler to the new baby?
If you have siblings, what did you learn from growing up with them?
When my 3 year old nephew was brought to the hospital to meet his new sister he greeted everyone in the room – except the baby – wouldn’t even look at her. Then he said “I like your room, Mama.” By the time she could walk they had become besties and nine years later, they are still. The sibling relationship is the longest most of us will have in this life. My brothers and I have very different personalities. Growing up with them helped me learn how to adapt to others who do not share my views – from the little things (I DID NOT want to watch Giligan’s Island for the 9000th time!) to the bigger issues.
Love the story about your nephew. I am mentally prepared for Linnea to do something similar at the hospital. We’ve been talking a lot about the hospital lately.
You’re so right that siblings can help kids adapt to people with different personalities. My brothers and I share a lot of similarities, but a lot of differences, too.
Although it’s been over 18 years since I brought Amanda home to meet big sister, Megan, I remember Megan (1 1/2 at the time) being so excited to finally meet her new sister. I’m not sure why she was not brought to the hospital. In fact, one of my favorite stories is when I introduced them. Megan said to me, “That’s a Manda and I’m a Megan.” We dropped the A from Amanda for a while after that.
They have had their ups and downs, but at 18 & 19 they are fairly close, as long as they don’t have to live under the same roof.
I’m the baby of the family, so I can’t speak on what it’s like having a younger sibling, but my brother (4 years older) and I don’t speak. Then again, he doesn’t speak to anyone in the family, so I don’t take it personally.
Glad to hear that your girls are pretty close! I have always wondered what it would have been like to have a sister. I think girls can have a tough time getting along in their teens but tend to become closer later in life.
Emma!
I am so excited for you, Josh and Linnea. As the time neared to Amelia’s arrival I began to move from wonder to worry- and I was not only feeling sad for Isa, but also began to experience some serious feelings of loss of our “three musketeer” family. I loved our family of three and the special time I had with Isa and was afraid to lose it. Some of the best advice I heard was from a dear friend of mine, who, when I confided my fears to her said, “I know exactly how you feel- I cried all the way to the hospital while I was in labor with my second. Let yourself have those feelings and be sad because it is a genuine loss of a family dynamic you love. But- you can also let your heart be joyful because your family of four will be filled with more love, laughter, and fun than you can imagine today!” She was so right! We have had a lot of sleepless nights and we have said “S*@#- I’m not sure we can handle this!” Isa has felt “jealous at her” at times, but those moments have enabled our relationship to deepen as we work to meet her needs and she learns to communicate and process her feelings. Your family of four is going to be just as perfect, a little crazier, hard to adjust to at times, and so very, very rich in love and laughter. After this message I am sure you can probably tell Amelia has slept through the night for three nights in a row?! Just know you we will love it and Linnea is going to adore being the big sister!
Thanks, Megan! This is exactly what I needed to read. I’m glad that I’m not the only one to feel a little sad/worried about disrupting the family of three.
I am glad that Amelia is sleeping through the night for you. I am really hoping that Baby #2 will be a champion sleeper!
Not quite on topic (except for the topic of kids!) The whole reason that John and I have decided that instead of having just one more kid (in addition to Gav) we’re going to have two is because we don’t want to have an ‘only’ child. Yes, our child would have Gav as a sibling, but 10+ years between kids would make it seem like the younger would be an only child. Only children, in my experience, miss out on so much camaraderie and learning to adapt, share and give. There are special circumstances in which we would only have one kid, such as a special needs child or we end up being too broke to have a second.
I know that having an older sister while I was growing up (less than age 14) was awesome. I wish that instead of being 4 years apart that we were only 2 years apart. I feel that we would have been closer, having to share schools and social circles. I wanted to be just like her, dress like her, read the same books as her. I think part of the reason I learned to read so quickly was so I would be allowed to read the Little House books that were Laur’s. I know that being on either side of the older/younger argument sucks. I can only speak for the younger side, but from the photographic proof both you and Laur loved playing with me when I was a baby – plus you two loved playing with Andy too. Heck, you two loved playing with us all, except when we got to be too much and you would go off on your own.
Sidenote – I loved going over to your (used in the you-all sense) house and experiencing the love and antagonism that the four of you had. Crazy and loud and wonderful. Wow. It was a change from our house, which was quieter, but still wonderful.
Yeah, I really enjoyed playing w/ my younger brothers (and cousins!) when I was a kid. I grew up in such a wild environment that I couldn’t really imagine it any other way. It feels different from the perspective of being the parent! Maybe especially a working mama who wonders how she’ll give everyone the attention they need.
I can see why you’d want to have two more kids. When you do, I’m sure that Gavin will be a great help!
Katherine was 5 when Thomas was born, and she was REALLY jealous in the hospital, especially when extended family was around–she was hyper and kind of a mess, totally unlike herself. I remember thinking (and not for the first time), “Whoa…we cannot do this!” But once we got home and got used to each other, she was totally fine. They fight over toys sometimes, and there’s the occasional bump/bruise/crying when they wrestle, but they really get along remarkably well. She wanted to marry him for quite a while, but now that we’ve moved further away from Arkansas, that sentiment seems to be fading. I think she’s MUCH more giving and flexible than she would have been without a little brother. And he ADORES her, which helps all around (“I save you, Taterin!”).
So here’s hoping that you have a few, brief moments (if that) of freaking out over the sibling relationship, and then smooooooth sailing.
Too funny about Arkansas.
I am glad that your kids love each other now. I will try not to put too much stock in what happens when Linnea visits the hospital. I’m noticing a theme in the stories!
On siblings – I’m the baby. My sister wanted a baby brother because her big brother wouldn’t give her a kiss goodnight anymore. When she was told she had a baby sister she screamed out “I wanted a baby BROTHER” ran upstairs to her room and cried herself to sleep. In the morning she came skipping down the stairs telling everyone that would listen she had a new baby Sister, and she was now a BIG sister. We’ve been besties ever since.
Will Linnea freak out? Probably. But she’ll get over it – siblings are too awesome not to.
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Thanks, Meaghan. I think (hope!) you’re right. Luckily, Linnea is just as indecisive as we are about this baby’s gender. I ask her all the time–baby brother, or baby sister–hoping that she has some special sibling intuition. She usually says, “baby brothersister” in return.
In spite of the joy that comes with a new one, an event of this magnitude equals the stress developed by a death in the family. Big events generate stress – weddings, divorces, the loss of a long time well-loved pet, being frozen on your motorcycle in snow on May 2nd – they are even bigger deals than we think. It’s as natural as can be that little ones pick up on our stress-buzz, and they also have to deal with their own. Tough duty for tots! I expect Linnea will ignore her/him/it for about half an hour, pretty much like she ignores Grampas, and then be a big help and loving sister.
Ha! Yes, it does take her a while to warm up to just about anyone, so why should the baby be any different? I never thought about Baby #2 as a “life event” that might induce stress, but you’re totally right!
Absolutely LOVE having sisters. I bet Linnea will love being the big sister. It may take some time, but as they grow up, I bet they will just love each other. there’s nothing better that sisterhood!
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I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a sister. I hope Linnea gets to find out.
We still don’t know the sex, so it will be a surprise for us all.
I imagine that being a multiple like you are is even more special!
this topic is definitely near and dear to me. we are still in the throes of adjustment over here. i totally relate to the feelings of “mourning” the loss of our family of three. we went to dinner the night i went into labor and i will always treasure that memory. the last time it was just us three (even though i didn’t know it!). nola had a very hard time the first month or so and it broke my heart to watch her – so confused, so sad. but slowly she has come around and now, more often than not, i have to stop her from kissing her brother too much rather than trying to flip over his pack and play
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I’ve been enjoying your recent posts. It’s good to know other families who are going through similar things. I’m glad that Nola has come around to baby Gus. He’s so stinking cute. How could you not love him?
My sister-in-law and me were just talking about this very topic this past weekend! She has 4 wonderful boys- my 4 nephews!
My eldest nephew now has two of his own children – making me a great-aunt. His son Teagan is the 4 year old big brother to little sister Ila, who just turned 1… and he is finally realizing that she is there to stay.
Wow, with so many boys in the family, everyone must have been happy to meet Ila (I love that name, BTW)!
Yes, I remember feeling guilty that we were going to “ruin Ellie’s life.” But we didn’t. She actually adjusted extremely well. And the sight of the two of them together, laughing at each other, hugging, Ellie helping Sam, etc… are some of the best parent moments I’ve had so far. So, there will likely be a transition period but in the end, it is fantastic.
Some tips passed on from my birthing class that were good and we used:
1) Have Linnea come greet you at the hospital with the baby in the nursery. Let her have her cuddle time with you and then ask her if she’d like to go to the nursery and get the baby and meet him/her.
2) Yes… have her give the baby a gift (have Josh help with this one) and then let her open the gift from the baby. This probably wasn’t hugely significant for Ellie but I still think it was nice.
3) Let Linnea be a helper and feel useful whenever possible. Ellie would fetch me diapers or the boppy pillow, when Sam was young. Now, she’ll bring his nook to him, read him books, and show him how to play with toys. She has completely embraced her role as big sister.
4) Read a “I’m a Big Sister” book a lot between now and then. Ellie still quotes it. “I’m a big girl… I can have ice cream. Sammy no can have ice cream.”
Good luck!
Awesome tips, Sarah! I’m glad that Ellie has responded well to big sisterhood. We have I’m a Big Sister. I need to read it more! Luckily, Linnea has been a helper for her younger cousin, Liam, but I haven’t been around much to see it. Hopefully it will be the same at home with the new baby!
I had many of the same concerns but things are going surprisingly well. A few things we did was talk a lot to Belén about her baby sister in the months before her arrival. We bought a gift for Belén from the new baby to give to her when she first visited at the hospital and also try and be very attentive to what she needs and not be overly all-consumed by the baby.
I do still feel guilty I spend less time with B and at first it broke my heart but now it is starting to feel like we are a family of four which entails dividing our time amongst three other people instead of two. I think, in time, it will just be the new normal.
Good luck with everything!
Alecia @ Hoobing Family Adventures recently posted..Checking Out of the Hospital
Thanks, Alecia! It’s cool to watch fellow bloggers like you go through the experience just a few steps ahead of me. Enjoy every minute of your maternity leave. I know it will go by way too quickly!
When Emily was born, Caroline was mostly potty-trained, but she immediately started peeing all over the place. Okay…we expected regression….Then it turned out that her most favorite place to pee on the floor was in Emily’s room, in front of the closet. Sort of like a dog who is unhappy about visiting dogs….
Oh, that is too funny! One of our dogs started peeing in Linnea’s room after she was born. We had to gate the room (and sadly, get rid of the cute rug). Linnea isn’t potty trained yet, so regression won’t be an issue. I’m hoping that she’ll want to differentiate herself from the baby by getting rid of those diapers!
My daughter walks around the house emphatically and sincerely saying, “I’m so lucky to have a sister. **insert dopey toddler grin and giggle**” Check out this post and comments from one of my favorite parenting blogs. It’ll make you feel better.
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/20/becoming-a-family-of-four/
With all that said, your feelings and concerns are natural, normal, and totally understandable
Love the post that you linked to! And I am so glad that your daughter feels lucky to have her sister. I hope that Linnea will feel the same way!