I’ve been told that I try to do too much. Earlier this year, a friend told me that she doesn’t like it when I blog about how tired or overwhelmed I am. “It doesn’t make me feel empathy for you,” she said. “It makes me want to tell you not to do so much.”
I get that some people can’t relate to my sometimes hyper-driven nature, but the fact is, this is who I am. If I don’t challenge myself, I become bored and depressed. Experience has taught me that I am happiest setting goals, staying busy, and following through. And truthfully, I have trouble relating to people who aren’t wired this way. Still, I recognize the limitations of being so driven.
On Friday afternoon, I tried listening to my Hypnobirthing relaxation CD in my cubicle. “No problem,” I thought. “I’ll start getting into this relaxation thing while I get a few things done.” Within five minutes, it was painfully clear that while I was capable of being productive while listening to the CD, I was not really listening to the apparently soothing Hypnobirthing coach. She sounded like Betty White, and I actually laughed out loud when she urged me to go to my “peace sanctuary” (at least I think that’s what she called it). “Shit,” I thought. “This relaxation thing is going to be more trouble than I thought.”
In the last three weeks, I’ve read both of my new natural childbirth books. During my first pregnancy, I thought I’d prepared myself to have a minimally invasive birthing experience. That is not what happened, but it’s true what people say—all that really matters is having a healthy baby. Absolutely. Nonetheless, I’d rather have a different experience this time around.
Reading these books, I’ve felt a little defensive. The authors say that most women can give birth naturally, often with very little pain. They argue that labor is made more painful when women aren’t able to relax, and when they are able to let go, some women actually experience orgasm during childbirth. Well, that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun than what I went through.
Did I make things more difficult for myself during Linnea’s birth by being too tense? Who knows. She wasn’t positioned ideally, and this could have contributed to the incredibly long, painful labor I experienced. What I do know is that this birth doesn’t have to be the same. I can’t control many factors, but I can try my best to get my mind and body ready in the next eight weeks.
In this case, “getting ready” doesn’t mean running around like a crazy person. It means taking the time to relax, to soak in the tub, and to nap. I’ve had more aches and pains this pregnancy (trust me, you don’t want to know the details), and I’ve had to surrender to my body’s needs. I’ve backed off my exercise routine, I’m making naps a priority, and I’m staying home this week rather than taking an important business trip. And I’m okay with that because truthfully, I’m still accomplishing something important.
There are plenty of opportunities in life to get fired up, work like a fiend, and kick some serious ass. And I love that. But right now, I need to figure out what the hell a peace sanctuary is.
*****
I Want to Know
Do you have more trouble relaxing, or more trouble getting motivated?
Here’s something that perfectly articulates what I think of “orgasmic childbirth.” http://skepticalob.blogspot.com/2011/01/why-does-childbirth-hurt.html
Relaxation eases pain in the same way that all the people saying thank you eased that man’s pain in the tooth-pulling scene from Schindler’s List.
Wow, very interesting post! Anyone who is interested in this subject should check out this link that Kathy provided. Make sure to read the comments!
BTW, I woke up in the middle of the night having a rather painful contraction. If I’m not relaxed when I’m sleeping, when am I?
You could be talking about me. I am in the EXACT same boat…driven, do not relax easy and wondering if I am going to be able to for natural childbirth. I cannot bring myself to practice the relaxation I learned in my Hypnobirthing class. I think part of me thinks the child is breech and I am going to have a c-section anyway but if she is not, I really want to do it naturally. Too bad we cannot go on a retreat where all we can do all day is relax…
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A retreat sounds lovely. I am glad I’m not the only one who has trouble relaxing! Did you have a c-section the first time around?
I think the people who wrote that painless childbirth dribble were on something – it just wasn’t provided by a doctor. I do believe that it’s less painful if you can relax. When I was in labor with Emily I spent most of the night in the bathtub at home, which helped a lot. But painless? Give me a break.
Well, I am both, have trouble relaxing and getting motivated. Just lucky, I guess. During labor my midwife and coach would tell me to let go, the contraction was over, but it never felt over. Old story, never fully dilated, c-section and baby with enormous head that would NEVER have come out. (I often think God has quite a sense of humor giving me a small pelvis and a big ass.) When told I had only a 10% chance of doing it naturally the second time, I just opted for the c-section.
These people who write the pain free childbirth books only write about the people who were able to do it, they don’t write about the people who it didn’t work for. Is this something to make the unsuccessful, and I don’t use the word failure, feel guilty about? Isn’t there enough to get crazy over? I met a woman who had five easy home births who told me about a midwife she knew. That midwife would use the demonstration of putting her size 8 foot into a small child’s boot to show how bones can shift and no one needed a c-section. Sure tell that to a woman who has had 2! Anyway, that is a bogus demonstration if you have ever tried on Cinderella’s slipper. What does that have to do with anything?! (Grandma Myrtie lost her one and only baby when they didn’t do a c-section back in the 20′s.)
So Darling Emma, try to relax when you are NOT doing other things. Love and accept yourself as we all love you and get through labor the best you can knowing you are going to do well and have a wonderful baby to love and adore. Don’t put expectations on yourself, just go with your OWN flow.
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Thanks, Suta! I appreciate the support. I will do my best to go with my own flow!
I would say I have way more trouble getting motivated than relaxing, relaxing comes easy to me as long as I’m at home in my apartment. No matter where I am, I don’t like to be or get motivated, which makes it hard on starting a career now almost 2 years out of college. Of course first I have to figure out what I want to do as a career than motivate myself to pursue, yeah, like most, my life is a work in progress.
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If it makes you feel any better, it took me a LONG time to figure out a career that fit for me, too. You can always change your mind!
I’m laughing about that relaxation CD! I have a lot of the same issues and can relate–something about my schedule seems to annoy most people (it’s probably threatening to some that you’re able to accomplish so much) but hopefully you will make peace with it, everyone’s different–thank goodness!
xo Mary Jo
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Yes, I think it’s wonderful that everyone’s different. Thank God they aren’t all like me.
Based on what I know about your work, you must keep a very full schedule!
Hmm… I fluctuate between lacking the drive to do more and being fearful of slowing down. Funny though–and maybe it’s a function of aging or it’s recovery–I find that if I can live one day at a time and not fret so much, the better I feel and the more productive I am.
There’s a fabulous book (and clearly you don’t have enough to read already
) you should check out. I think I’ve told you about it before. “AWAKENING JOY: 10 Steps That Will Put You on the Road to Real Happiness” by James Baraz & Shoshana Alexander. One of the steps has to do with making more space in our lives, space to just be. We suffer from a condition the authors call “fear of missing something” or “FOMS.”
I am learning that sometimes, I just have to say no and that means I will occasionally miss something. Oh well!
Love your writing, as always. Thanks for getting me thinking this morning.
Thanks for the book recommendation. I’ll check it out!
I think it’s common to fluctuate b/t periods of drive and lulls in ambition, but you in particular don’t seem to have any trouble accomplishing something once you put your mind to it!
i say if you’re an ass kicker, then kick some ass and leave relaxing to the less ambitious. haha. i’m kidding. sort of. i really do believe that if you’re a driven person it’s okay to carry that through in all aspects of your life. so long as you can maintain your stress level, keep doing what works for you!
and – as someone who is coming off a very recent, VERY all-natural childbirth experience, i’m calling shenanigans on those “many women” who deliver with relatively little pain. that said – i can totally relate to wanting a different birth experience, as my first was a c/section that ended in complications for both me and baby. BUT – i have a really hard time reading a lot of those natural childbirth books (doesn’t stop me from buying them!) because they always made me feel like crap for having a c/section and having a bad one at that.
i say go in knowing that you can do whatever you set your mind to – and that it’s also okay to change your mind. while i hope you get the birth experience you’re hoping for, i know that no matter what that baby is going to get a great little family. you and josh are wonderful parents and linnea is proof that a birth with lots of interventions doesn’t mean you can’t still have a happy, healthy, adorable kiddo!! because you do!
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Thanks, Rachel! You are so sweet (and right). I hope you are enjoying your time at home with the little ones. I’m sure it’s already going by too quickly!
Hey Emma,
I felt very similar to you heading into my 2nd childbirth. I was hoping not to use drugs, thinking my familiarity with labor and birth would help me with relaxation, coping with the pain, etc… I hoped that #2 would be different.
And lots of things were. I knew what I was getting into when labor came. I felt much more empowered because of my previous experience. I wasn’t as scared and I was way more relaxed. I did two hours of yard work while in labor, pulling out weeds and trimming brush during contractions. At that point, I was feeling great about how things were going. But it was still really painful, even though I was relaxed and not scared. It started hurting A LOT. And then I got the hospital was only at a 4 and thinking I had to get to a 10 and again decided I didn’t need to be a hero, I needed to have a healthy baby. So I used drugs again. I wanted to be ready to be a good breastfeeding mom that wasn’t wiped out and wasted from hours of the most intense pain when I could avoid it.
And Emma, I still can’t figure it out. We were runners! I put myself through countless workouts where I almost puked, had lactic acid tie up my legs, etc…. I am sure you feel that way. But labor is different and I have finally let it go. More power to all those natural birth folks but I think it is the last thing we as moms should feel guilty about.
Good luck… but don’t feel like you have to be a hero. Labor and delivery is difficult and beautiful no matter how it plays out.
Thanks, Sarah! You are totally right that labor is so different from running. I wrote about this some in my memoir, actually. I figured that my determination would serve me well (and it certainly does in life), but this time, I’m focusing on letting go instead.
Another problem for me is that I’m actually afraid of drugs. Even when I’m not pregnant, I avoid taking anything whenever possible. I don’t trust them! So that contributes to my anxiety, which probably doesn’t help.
You are absolutely right that it will be difficult AND beautiful no matter what. Thanks for sharing your story!
Hi, I think you are right Sarah. I’m a four time dad and four time grampa and I was there for many – even a marathon is nothing compared to this effort. All these things are only sort of relative. I wrestled nine minute matches in college, and, ran marathons. One hurts less a lot longer. Nothing I’ve ever done is as tough as that nine minutes. And, that is as nothing compared to child birth. I say, do it as best you can, take the help you need, and don’t worry about a thing. You all are as tough as you possibly can be, and that’s all.