Almost two years ago, Josh and I went out for our first date after becoming parents. It was a beautiful spring evening, and we left the baby with her grandparents while we ate at a cozy neighborhood restaurant in Southwest Minneapolis. I enjoyed a delicious glass of red wine as we waited for our food, but when our server came around to refill our glasses, I declined.
“No, thanks,” I said, putting a hand over my glass. “I don’t want anymore. Well, that’s not exactly true. I do want some more, but I’m breastfeeding.”
As soon as the young man left our table, Josh looked a little embarrassed.
“Honey, I’m pretty sure that the politically correct term is ‘nursing,’” he said under his breath. “If you say ‘breastfeeding’ to a man, he’s just going to be thinking about breasts.”
I had to laugh. I had never thought about how I referred the act of feeding my baby. “Nursing” and “breastfeeding” seemed interchangeable to me, but Josh’s comment certainly got me thinking.
It’s no surprise that men have breasts on the brain at times, but I had always assumed that in the context of breastfeeding, most people—men and women—tend to desexualize them. But based on recent news stories about women being asked not to breastfeed in public spaces, it’s pretty clear that many people see even a peek of breast as indecency. S-E-X.
At this point in my pregnancy, I’m getting ready to bust out my nursing bras and my trusty pump. I am comfortable nursing just about anywhere, but I always cover up with what I call my “nursing tent.” Still, I am not put off by anyone who chooses to breastfeed more liberally in public. Nor am I inclined to tip toe around the topic when talking about it.
Still, I wonder if there’s something to what Josh said.
*****
I Want to Know
Do you prefer the term “breastfeeding” or “nursing?”
What’s your take on breastfeeding in public?
What do guys really think about breastfeeding?
Is it strange but I sort of hate the term nursing. It conjurs up nurses and hospitals and illness to me not babies and milk. Am I the only one?
Interesting. I hadn’t thought of this, but others seem to agree!
Let it all hang out and call it whatever you like. Don’t care if anyone gets offended, when breastfeeding has been scientifically proven to help make healthier babies. Nothing against those who can’t…or chose not to, but I’ll pick breastfeeding and nursing any ol’ day. Loved my “Hooter Hider,” loved being so close to my baby and had a hard time giving it up. And if any of those finicky guys saw what happened to your boobs, melons, tatas, etc., after “breast”-fedding, they would definitely not be thinking about S-E-X.
Ha! This is why I love you, Erin!
Not sure exactly how this relates but could not help myself: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?entry_id=84197.
Not being a mother perhaps I’m not well-positioned to opine on the topic of breast milk ice cream but after an initial chuckle a certain level of offense set in. Marketing women’s breast milk for human consumption in the form of ice cream opens so many cans of worms I’m not sure where to begin. I thought it was interesting, however, when the topic came up over the weekend in the company of men they felt certain that marketing breast milk was definitely fetish driven. Something you wouldn’t bat an eye at in Japan but when it comes to a parlor near you in the UK all holy hell breaks loose. I have to be honest, I find it completely offensive — and totally creepy that it would be legal for women hard up for cash to “milk” themselves so some pervert can get his kicks by buying it in ice cream form. And beyond that, when I do have a baby and I am breast feeding in public, tented or not, I want to vomit thinking that some dude in the corner is staring longingly at me and my child. ICK.
But apparently some women’s groups in the UK are FIGHTING for the right to DONATE milk. Is that also fetish driven?? WEIRD.
BTW: Agreed with Liz, nursing is just a terrible term.
Oh, boy. I don’t know what to make of the ice cream thing. I don’t get the fetish thing, but that’s true of most fetishes. I’m with you–ICK!
Oh Emma, have I told you this story? One day I was pumping in the office of an executive that never came in. And on my way back from the bathroom to clean out the bottles, he got off the elevator. Stunned, I said, “I suppose I should tell you this, since you’re going to follow me back to your office, but I was lactating in there.” WTF??? Why? Could I not just say Pumping?! No, lactating. Probably most embarrassing moment of my life. Red faced, I put all of the things in my bag and ran out of his office. Later he and another VP were joking around with their admins, “that’s the most productive thing to come out of that office in years!” “I really have been milking this place for years!” At least they all thought it was funny…
I always say nursing. But really, either or. Avoid the word lactate. Please.
This is one of the best stories ever! SO FUNNY! I never use the term “lactating,” so I’m not at risk of making the same mistake.
I never used it either. It just fell out like word vomit.
I’m just going to throw this out there, but I think the more we use and see the word breastfeeding, the less provocative and sexy it will be. In fact, I just referenced the term when I emailed my priest (in regards to the practice of fasting while breastfeeding). Just the same with the actual act of breastfeeding, the more we see it, the less taboo, and unfamiliar it will be to people, desexualizing this ‘mysterious’ act. It is not like I whip the girls out in public for all to see, I’m not an exhibitionist, but I do pretty much put them to work anywhere when the need arises, including, for instance, (discreetly) at the candlelight Christmas service in the Lutheran Church in my husband’s hometown.
I think what it all really boils down to is something my brother in law said to me, “I don’t want you to think I am some kind of a pervert if I look at you while you are doing that.” Men: we know you are not ogling us. Just the same way you aren’t ogling a bottle that a baby would suck on…
That’s my two cents.
I agree that if more people used the word breastfeeding (and talked more openly about it in general), it would become less taboo. It sounds like your brother-in-law is a great guy.
Being on my 12th month of nursing my little girl (will probably stop in a couple weeks) this topic is fresh in mind. I always say “nursing” I guess, because of Josh’s reason. I cover up in public and have been pretty modest about it. It’s discouraging though, how many negative reactions I get from people that I’ve nursed this long. Especially from women! It’s the best gift you can give your baby. I’ve had to be really committed to make it this long as a working, pumping Mom. I make a point now to encourage any woman who is breastfeeding because there’s not much support out there. Go Emma!
Being on my 12th month of nursing my little girl (will probably stop in a couple weeks) this topic is fresh in mind. I always say “nursing” I guess, because of Josh’s reason. I cover up in public and have been pretty modest about it. It’s discouraging though, how many negative reactions I get from people that I’ve nursed this long. Especially from women! It’s the best gift you can give your baby. I’ve had to be really committed to make it this long as a working, pumping Mom. I make a point now to encourage any woman who is breastfeeding because there’s not much support out there. Go Emma!
I agree that there’s not much support out there–especially once you pass 1 year. I nursed until 16 months, and in the end, it seemed like everyone was asking when I would stop. It’s different for everyone, and it’s such a precious time with your baby. Go Mo!
As someone who has little direct experience on the matter, I will admit it is a little awkward to see a stranger in public breastfeeding but the word has nothing to do with it, the reason it is awkward is because I don’t see it too often, I have friends who are married who do it when we are hanging out, they usually pull out their hooter hider, as they call it, to make it less revealing and in turn less awkward. Its a natural thing and if you’re at the zoo and you see animals breastfeeding, it is a natural beautiful thing of nature. So why is it the opposite when humans do it? Well mostly because breasts are considered more sexual than nurturing, and that is sadly another flaw of American culture. I am curious how it is viewed in public in other countries, I have a feeling its not as risqué as it is here in America.
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What a great comment, Adam! Thank you for being the first brave man to weigh in. I am also curious about the cultural differences surrounding this issue. American culture is so contradictory in some ways. We’re far from prudish, and yet something as natural as breastfeeding makes people nervous.
I don’t want to sound like I’m totally maligning men, but I really don’t think they understand/”get” breastfeeding in the way that other women do.
As for breastfeeding in public, I don’t know how I’ll react someday in the distant future when I have children and am faced with the decision – camp out on a bench? Use the cover? Find the “nursing lounge” at Ridgedale? What I do know now is that if I see a woman whip one out in public, I might look twice (in my part of town it’s just not something you see every day), but it’s not bothersome. I mean, the child needs a meal for crying out loud. You have to feed them. End of story.
Thanks for weighing in, Kat. I must admit that I LOVE department stores and malls that put in nursing lounges. So much more comfortable than a bench, and it’s often fun to socialize with other moms in there.
I imagine it’s true that most men don’t “get” breastfeeding the way that women do. And I, for one, didn’t truly “get” it until I experienced it myself.
I prefer the term breastfeeding. To me, nursing is something mom’s did back when maternity clothes were tents and we were not born yet. I guess I just picture my mom using the term “nursing” and along with “fluffing” instead of farting and changing the baby’s “britches” instead of “diaper” it just seems old school to me.
I am probably one of those people who starts to get a little too comfortable with exposed breasts and talking about the subject once I have been breastfeeding for a couple of weeks. It’s probably not good to make other’s feel uncomfortable, but seriously, what’s the big deal?
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I had to laugh at your “mom terms.”
Sounds like you are very comfortable breastfeeding when and where you need to. Good for you!
How about just “feeding”?? Cuz that’s what we’re doing! God equipped us, we deliver. Simple as that.
I like it!
I really don’t care about either of those terms, but I will say, that as someone who has been working in restaurants and places with lots of interaction with the public(as opposed to offices) I can say with confidence that if I was your server, I would not have cared why you couldn’t have another glass of wine nor would I have wanted to be privy to this piece of personal information. At the end of the day the server is concerned about their tip. What is that guy supposed to do with that piece of information? How does he get out of there gracefully without offending you or without saying the wrong thing? What is the correct response on his part?
Furthermore, what is the correct reaction on the part of the servers/bussers/food runners during a nursing session at a restaurant? I’m all for mothers and babies having the right to nurse whenever and whereever they need to, but sometimes it is akward for the service staff. This is a situation that does happen, and when it does, what is the graceful way of dealing with it? When a woman is nursing at the table in a restaurant, hooter hider or not, what is the etiquette for approaching the table? Is it good form to take a drink order, recite specials, clear plates, deliver food, do a “check back” or offer dessert and coffee? If you say yes, please know that often a good server won’t approach a table while the guests are having a heated conversation, while the guests are occupied having a meeting, talking on the phone or occupied doing anything else important. I think that breastfeeding certainly counts as being “occupied”. Just as a server may get annoyed/frustrated or feel awkward while someone is on the telephone at the table thus making it difficult to serve in a timely manner (causing him to have fewer tables and at the end of the day less money,) the same thing may happen because someone is breastfeeding at the table. Does the server wait until the woman is finished? If not, where does the server look? Does the server completely ignore the situation or acknowledge that the guest is breastfeeding?
I know that most of the readers of this blog (myself included) feel like women should have the right and should feel free to nurse when and where they like and talk about breastfeeding or nursing. But at the same time I’m not a mother and haven’t been on that side of the table so I really feel for that waiter and I can relate to him far more than I can to any mother who needs to feed their baby.
I’m certainly interested to hear what people suggest….
Also, in Argentina and Chile you’ll see women anywhere feeding their child with no thought to covering up – bus stations, cafes, even walking down the street!
Interesting points! I can definitely see, in hindsight, that I probably provided more information than was necessary. Surely, I could have simply said, “no thanks,” to more wine. But no doubt, most of us provide TMI to people we do and don’t know on a regular basis without even thinking. For me, reading all of the comments on this post has reinforced the idea that we all tend to view situations from our own perspectives–you, as someone who has been a server; guys, as guys; breastfeeding moms, as breastfeeding moms. Makes sense to me!
howdy. you commented on a picky post a couple of weeks ago, and i’m just now getting around to acknowledging it. i’m not usually this bad about that. sorry.
thanks for reading picky and leaving it some love. :]
as for your questions: i detest political correctness, so i say breastfeeding; so long as it’s covered up; i’m not a guy, so i can’t answer the last one.
c.c. recently posted..james and georgina
And so far, we’ve only heard from one guy! Not surprising.
Haha, I think Josh is probably right in terms of using the word breast will set men off. But really, what doesn’t? I think you have a good attitude about all of it. Hoping you have a wonderful weekend!
xo Mary Jo
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“What doesn’t?” Too funny!
Haha, I think Josh is probably right in terms of using the word breast will set men off. But really, what doesn’t? I think you have a good attitude about all of it. Hoping you have a wonderful weekend!
xo Mary Jo
mary jo recently posted..something in the way she smoothes
hmmmm. i always say breastfeeding. nursing makes me think of wet nurses. probably just my own association not based in history or facts. also – i breastfeed anywhere and everywhere and while i don’t use a cover up, i have been dubbed by friends as the houdini of boob hiding. so good, in fact, i bet you can’t even tell i’m breastfeeding right now! hahaha.
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Nice!! I hope that all is going well with your little one, including the breastfeeding!