Earlier this week, Josh sent me an article about a newly published psychological study from the University of Minnesota, “Getting in Under the Radar: A Dyadic View of Invisible Support.” The study is about practical support (trying to fix the problem) and emotional support (trying to make the other person feel better) between romantic partners—a topic that certainly piqued my interest. I think we’ve established that my dear husband does not exactly embrace anything resembling ”relationship homework,” so I wondered what about this caught his attention.
The psychologists found that when practical and social support is provided “invisibly,” the benefits to the receiving partner are greater. I had to read the article three times before I fully grasped the key finding—people who don’t even realize that their partners are providing support are better off than those whose partners pour on the support in a more obvious way. In fact, some behaviors that people typically think of as supportive can actually increase anxiety and decrease feelings of self-efficacy in partners.
I knew immediately why this study appealed to my quiet, steady husband. Invisible support? I’d say he probably has that down. But how, exactly, would I know? He doesn’t readily provide advice when I’m trying to make a decision. Instead, he listens patiently as I rattle off a list of options. This happens all the time. Something like, “Honey, how should I get my hair cut?,” is met with a lot of “Whatever you want.” Is he providing invisible support by encouraging me to trust my own instincts? Perhaps.
When I discussed this study with some colleagues, they got something different from it than I did. Whereas I found myself wondering whether Josh actually provides more support than I realized—invisibly so—my colleagues confirmed that too much direct support can, indeed, make things worse.
So, if invisible support is so great, we should probably know what it looks like, right?
An invisibly supportive partner:
- Downplays his or her role as the supporter (this creates a more even playing field).
- Doesn’t focus too much on his or her partner’s problem or how stressful it might be.
- Provides indirect, disguised support.
- Doesn’t focus on his or her partner’s limitations.
Ideally, the partner who receives the support is relatively unaware. So, this definitely leaves me wondering just how much support I’m really getting—and providing, for that matter. How about you?
*****
Reference:
Maryhope Howland and Jeffry A. Simpson (2010). “Getting in Under the Radar : A Dyadic View of Invisible Support.” Psychological Science, published online, 19 November 2010
I Want to Know
What do you make of this study?
Are the findings true in your experience?
Wow. This is really interesting. I think the premise of the article is compelling, that it is the invisible support or architecture of a relationship that is often responsible for its integrity. There is an issue though and I think you allude to this: If the support is so invisible, how do we recognize it? If we are not aware of the support we are receiving, can we truly feel supported? Thanks for making me think!
You’re right, Aidan. I’ve been reflecting on this all week. I DO feel supported, and I’m generally in a great place right now (and I think my husband can take some credit for that). However, because he supports me so invisibly most of the time, I don’t know if I appreciate it as much as I should! It would be interesting to know whether the invisible supporters mind that their partners often don’t realize their skills!
This is the exact point I was trying to make….although I was trying to be funny too because I am not the most outwardly emotional person in the world. Too Emma’s point, for most of us “invisible supporters”, I feel like we have a personality that is not necessarily craving the need to feel like our support is recognized either. It’s a happy little coincidence because that is probably the same psychological reason that the support we give is invisible.
Of course, this whole concept is also a convenient and easy excuse for crappy supporters to say they really ARE beings supportive but it’s just invisible. Many of us probably fell in that category when we were younger (and therefore stupider even though we didn’t think so at the time).
Well, I hope you know how much I do appreciate whatever support you are giving me!
Hm. Very interesting. Somehow this study depresses me. I think about my failed relationships and how I tried to support them and wonder if a.) my support was too direct, or b.) I didn’t provide any “invisible” support. When my wife left, she felt like she wasn’t getting what she needed from me. Did she just not recognize the “invisible” support I was giving? Or was I really stressing her out?
On the other hand, my most recent love used to tell me she appreciated that I didn’t try to solve her problems for her. Then she dumped me.
I know scientific studies are dealing with trends and are not necessarily all about me, but you did ask, “How about you”?
Interesting food for thought.
Thanks for your comment! I think it’s perfectly natural to make it all about you, BTW. That’s the beauty of psychology. In my experience, how much support (and what kind) you provide to a significant other does depend a lot on their personality, too, so it’s probably natural to be supportive in different ways in each relationship.
Great post – does this video with the researchers of the study (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp3j1vuOrEA) help you understand the concept at all?
I hadn’t seen that video, but thanks so much for sharing it. I was able to read the whole study and understand the details, but I’m not sure if I explained it all that clearly here. So, if you’re another reader who is confused, check out Ryan’s video link!
Hmmm…. seems like it is just one of those things that you have to take on faith – kind of like religion. I like proof. But I also don’t want too much input. Does this study hold true for other kinds of relationships too? Parent/child, sibling, work, etc? There has to be a way for the non-supporters to let the supportees know that they are indeed there – perhaps a specific word or gesture? Oh wait, that would be an acknowledgement of support!
I like your faith analogy. I would imagine that the same would apply to other relationships. I recently saw an episode of “Parenthood” in which one of the moms was being WAY TOO supportive of her daughter who was running for student council, and I thought, “God, please don’t let me be like that!”
Hmmm, maybe how you know is, when you have a real need, it is met. Without a big deal. Like, one night we were talking about things you need, and the next week someone took some load off by making dinner.
If you have to wonder then perhaps the situation hasn’t occurred that would explicitly confirm it for you. Leslie and I have never talked about it, but, if I needed a kidney and she matched up – no question. She “knows” I’d jump off a cliff if she needed that, but again, we haven’t talked about it.
Hmmm again, cool study and I can believe, but mostly because I can see it happening around me. I’m not sure how to quantify something that is qualitative.
It’s nice to know that one’s parents would still donate a kidney or jump off a cliff for each other, even after 36 years.
Hey, this is really interesting! I think my husband falls into this category as well, and I think I often don’t notice or appreciate the support he gives, even though it is there. I hope I am giving it as well!
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I’m glad that it got you thinking! Me, too.
I think the whole problem with ‘visible’ support is that the person being supported can feel controlled. With invisible support you are being held up but you can still make your own decisions and be your own person. It’s sort of like a wall. I don’t have to see the studs to know that they are doing their job holding up the sheet rock and supporting the ceiling. I can see the result of what they are doing and can feel comfortable in that.
When a person is coming from a poor relationship they may need open support, but once they are functioning again invisible support is so much better because it helps you stand on your own 2 feet. It encourages you to grow and become independent yet there is a security in knowing that support is there.
This is very insightful, Patty! I am becoming increasingly convinced of the power of invisible support!