Josh and I recently went out to dinner to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve been out since our daughter was born, so it was a real treat. Because I’d been feeling like we’d been in our own little worlds for a couple of weeks, I really wanted (and needed) to reconnect. This got me thinking about the great date we’d gone on right before becoming parents.
The date had been on Valentine’s Day, and while Josh isn’t a huge fan of the holiday, it had been a very sweet night. We’d gone to the restaurant where the sparks first flew four years ago, and we’d spent part of the dinner sharing things we’d written about what it meant to become parents. We’d been given this homework as part of a birthing class, and it had been enlightening to talk about how our relationship would change as our family grew.
So, when I recently came across a copy of our marriage vows, I thought it would be cool to talk about them over dinner. Shortly after our drinks and appetizers arrived, I pulled the carefully folded piece of paper from my purse and slid it across the table.
“Remember when we did the homework right before Linnie was born?” I asked. “I thought we could do something similar for our anniversary.”
He laughed nervously and unfolded the paper.
“How do you think we’re doing?” I asked. “On our vows?”
We’d been quite intentional about our vows, which we’d written.
“Okay,” he said. “Good.”
“Is there anything we should work on?” I asked. “I mean, there’s always something that could be better, right? What should we work on this year?”
It suddenly occurred to me that most people are probably less comfortable with the idea of relationship homework than I am. Josh, not surprisingly, included.
Josh responded by saying, “Why do you always need to have a goal?” Like “goal” is a four-letter word. I will confess—I am ridiculously goal-oriented, and that can really bite me in the ass sometimes. But, among my top goals in life is to be married to Josh when I’m a little old grandma. Great-grandma, even. And I don’t just mean married. I mean happily married. Not a bad goal, right?
Guess what? My attempt at relationship homework turned out better than I could have planned. We didn’t talk about our vows. Our conversation was much more organic and much more amusing. We did talk about why I always need to have a goal and how that affects Josh. We talked about our differences without being critical. He thinks, for example, that I’m too emotional about financial issues. I own that, and it’s okay with me that he doesn’t really “get” it. I think he can be way too unemotional, and he owns that, too.
We laughed, we philosophized, we ate dessert. We walked out into the late summer evening hand-in-hand, shooting each other flirtatious smiles, and I thought to myself, “I love this man.” He challenges the hell out of me and this isn’t always easy, but I love him.
Aside from premarital counseling and good old fashioned shit-we-better-fix-this marriage counseling, do we ever take stock of our relationships or even—gasp—do relationship homework? When life is just fine, when things seem okay, do we stop to consider whether we’re really happy, or for that matter, whether our own partners are?
When my ex and I first started marriage counseling, the therapist gave us some homework that was meant to make us slow down and appreciate each other. We were supposed to spend ten minutes per day doing nothing but holding each other. No talking. No kissing. No fighting. Just holding. Well, let me tell you, we were beyond being able to perform this homework. We tried it once, and it was agonizing.
In some ways, the simple act of holding someone, quite intentionally, in silence, is more intimate than having sex. And so is talking about your fears, your challenges, and the things that you don’t share often enough—the things that you adore about each other and how much you mean to each other. Emotional intimacy is wonderful, but it’s far from simple. It’s hard to find and easy to lose. Dear readers, if you want it, imagine it. If you have it, make every effort to keep it.
*****
I want to know:
Whether or not you’re in a relationship now, what do you think about the idea of relationship homework? Is it too contrived? Healthy? Hard but important? A complete waste of time? Weigh in!
i think it’s like anything else…all things in moderation. you beat your “better” half over the head with it, and i think it would have an alienating quality and do more harm than good. you don’t do enough, and neither of you, nor your relationship, grows.
i can understand why you would be concerned with your marriage being a happy one decades from now, given the circumstances of your previous relationship.
that you and your first husband couldn’t tolerate holding each other speaks volumes about what you wanted from each other. it’s sad, but such an important sign to respect. i can see how you wouldn’t want such a sign to appear in your relationship with josh, and why it’s so important to you that you work at preventing it to happen.
but i think i can understand why josh is less interested in what i imagine he might feel is overthinking it.
of course i’m totally speculating. i could be way off.
it basically comes down to communicating well. you do that, the “homework” is cake.
c.c. recently posted..the change i wish to see
I totally agree that one could go way overboard on this. And you’re right on that Josh thinks I overthink MOST things! Thanks for commenting!
Hi Emma!
Hard but important? Definitely. I remember when my husband and I attended an “Engagement Encounter” weekend prior to our wedding (almost 9 years ago now!). There were plenty of opportunities to think about various aspects of our relationship, journal, share, and repeat! I absolutely loved it! Now, as a busy mom of two whose date night with hubby consists not of romantic dinners out but of Indian food and Netflix in I think back to that weekend of “relationship homework” with a sort of wistful longing. It can be so easy at this stage of marriage to be merely “ships passing in the night.” Your blog entry is a great reminder to keep working at it…even if it means assigning ourselves some long overdue homework! 
Keep up the great blogging, girl!
Too contrived? Never!
Glad that you agree, Mary! You have a lot more experience with this than I do! Congrats on nine years!
I was actually thinking abot a similar subject very recently. How John and I have changed in regards to how we do PDA’s and private displays of affection. When we first started living together after my deployment we cuddled all the time; now we don’t as much. The other night we spooned in bed and passed out at about the same time, still wrapped up. It gave me such a warm fuzzy all the next day, to know that I was so loved and that I loved him just as much.
I had made mention of the fact that I wanted more closeness without it necessarily turning sexual and the fact that he likes the closeness as much as I do and is willing to work on it means I found the right one for me.
Emma, thanks for writing – as always – something thought provoking!
Glad to hear that you’re both working at it! So important!
I think it is necessary, like all things it needs to be worked on. My significant other take the time each day to hold eachother in the morning when the alarm clock goes off and also when he gets home from work. This weekend he got out of bed without snuggling and was on his way downstairs and I called him back into bed telling him he couldn’t just leave me in the morning without snuggling. It’s so important.
Good for you, Jenell, for making him come back to snuggle!
I think if it’s contrived or not might depend a bit on who’s who. It might be as important to think about it all on our own and work to keep things in perspective. That said, if we don’t think on our own, and don’t work on things together, then we could slip into the “two ships…” metaphor pretty easily.
I know Native people who say that in their culture they just don’t speak unless there’s something significant to say, and that there’s nothing at all wrong with being with others in silence. Of course, for many of us, our culture can hardly tolerate silence and conspires against it all of the time. Maybe the ten minute exercise was really a test and your inability to stand it was the answer?
I like the test/answer theory. It certainly was an answer in MY mind. You’re right that whether or not something seems contrived depends on the person. I am all about working on not only my relationship, but mySELF, so I eat this stuff up!
Emma and I have a proven track record of being able to coexist in perfect silence. Actually, that is one of my favorite and most encouraging aspects of our relationship, especially as I am probably bringing that element to the table more than her and the inability to adapt to it would be big trouble.
Sentence that made any guy reading this post cringe just a little: “So, when I recently came across a copy of our marriage vows, I thought it would be cool to talk about them over dinner.”
It’s true that we are good at just being together without having to entertain, bother, impress each other, etc. And I have to admit that I giggled when I wrote the sentence that you just quoted. “Cool.”
LOL @ Josh. “Just happened to come across the marriage vows”? That’s funny.
Anyway, I think relationship homework is a good idea. Many people in relationships believe that once they’ve said “I do” the work ends when in reality, it has only just begun. Relationships cannot exist on autopilot.
chele recently posted..Those Were the Days
I absolutely LOVE this post – mainly because its all about the “hard work” in a relationship — and, I’m always for hard work! I am so proud of you for owning your part of your marriage, your relationship. For the first five years of our marriage, it was really, really easy. I just figured I was super lucky to have found the husband I had…then, we had two kids in two years and our relationship has been tested. How many words can we possibly fit into a 10 second break of silence while standing in the same room?!? Seriously — rarely do we ever really get to sit eyeball to eyeball and engage in discussion. Now, we are coming out of that stage and beginning to realize how much more we love each other as husband/wife and parents to our children.
Next weekend, we head to Chicago for a weekend get-away…just me and the hubby. I have actually set it up w/ him already that I want this to be more of a “retreat” for us…to really talk, connect and do vision boards (Oh, wouldn’t that be cool!)…or something on a smaller scale that allows us to be present and talk about what we really want/need from each other, for each other. Because for me, being able to simply articulate what I need/want for us is 1/2 the battle in just being “there”…it’s important to me to connect now so I really know the man I’m sitting next to when I’m 80 on our front porch swing.
Wow–good for you! I am so glad that you’re having a get-away and are planning to do a little homework. Have FUN!
[...] I admit it—I’m a total dork. I make my husband go on purposeful dates to do things like relationship homework and family goal setting. Yesterday, we were released from parental duties for a couple hours by [...]